A Mutant's Guide to Mutation
Chapter 2
Trains, Planes, And Go F*ck Yourself
Settlers
"A settler is a person who has always resided in one area, or has migrated to an area and
establish permanent residence there. Settlers are generally people who take up residence on
land"
Welcome back to another insightful and informative installment of T.W.M.
Welcome all, Mutants and Settlers, criminals and saints, the strong and the wounded,
the rational and the insane.
During the glorious transformation that all Mutants go through you might start
to notice certain peculiar behaviors abnormal to your routine. Late at night you might find yourself restless and sweating profusely with member in hand, feeling like the walls are closing in, all the while watching Anthony Bourdain No Reservations and wondering what malignant, cross-dressing spirit has taken a hold of your psyche. Settle down, there is no need to start to question your sexuality, if that goes against your grain, it just means that your lower god is taking great delight in the obscure pastry shop somewhere deep in Bavaria. You also might notice that your feet have started to itch and burn, now for hygiene's sake, head to your local drugstore and buy some foot powder, you might have picked up something at that Turkish bath. But more than likely, it is an ailment that all of us Mutants face sooner or later. It is the
great and dreaded "traveling feet" and there is only one thing that can cure it. That's right cowboy! Saddle up, because you are hitting that dusty trail.
To the well seasoned Mutant, traveling is as second nature as breast feeding is to an
infant, but for the neophyte it can be quite a daunting and intimidating task. No need to fear,
The Wandering Mutant is here and we care about all our lil chillins. All Mutants have an
indomitable need to travel, hear the sights and see the sounds.
Places to see and people to do.
In this installment of T.W.M we will be covering the different ways one can transverse the chains of this glorious land of freedom, and minimize the amount of cavity searches that come with the task. Whether you are keeping it domestic or going international, we will discuss the pros and cons that come with wandering the blue pearl of the Milky Way.
Chapter 2
Trains, Planes, And Go F*ck Yourself
Settlers
"A settler is a person who has always resided in one area, or has migrated to an area and
establish permanent residence there. Settlers are generally people who take up residence on
land"
Welcome back to another insightful and informative installment of T.W.M.
Welcome all, Mutants and Settlers, criminals and saints, the strong and the wounded,
the rational and the insane.
During the glorious transformation that all Mutants go through you might start
to notice certain peculiar behaviors abnormal to your routine. Late at night you might find yourself restless and sweating profusely with member in hand, feeling like the walls are closing in, all the while watching Anthony Bourdain No Reservations and wondering what malignant, cross-dressing spirit has taken a hold of your psyche. Settle down, there is no need to start to question your sexuality, if that goes against your grain, it just means that your lower god is taking great delight in the obscure pastry shop somewhere deep in Bavaria. You also might notice that your feet have started to itch and burn, now for hygiene's sake, head to your local drugstore and buy some foot powder, you might have picked up something at that Turkish bath. But more than likely, it is an ailment that all of us Mutants face sooner or later. It is the
great and dreaded "traveling feet" and there is only one thing that can cure it. That's right cowboy! Saddle up, because you are hitting that dusty trail.
To the well seasoned Mutant, traveling is as second nature as breast feeding is to an
infant, but for the neophyte it can be quite a daunting and intimidating task. No need to fear,
The Wandering Mutant is here and we care about all our lil chillins. All Mutants have an
indomitable need to travel, hear the sights and see the sounds.
Places to see and people to do.
In this installment of T.W.M we will be covering the different ways one can transverse the chains of this glorious land of freedom, and minimize the amount of cavity searches that come with the task. Whether you are keeping it domestic or going international, we will discuss the pros and cons that come with wandering the blue pearl of the Milky Way.
--- Planes & Aviation ---
An ever constant reminder of mans' triumphs
against the very laws of physics, and the bullshit paranoid police state that the known civilized world has become, aviation is the bread and butter of all Mutant affairs. It is by far the fastest and usually most effective way to get from point A to point B. Hardest hitting to the traveler's pocket, flying has become the standard by which Mutants migrate. However, within
the past decade or so a few rotten apples have
screwed the pooch on this one.
Before the age of arial terrorism, in the glory days
of air travel, all you had to do was check your bag, empty your pockets and walk through a metal detector.
Hell, people used to be able to meet you at the gate
and greet you with a warm embrace that made you feel
like you were in a scene from a
Turner Classic Movie.
Nowadays, they might as well treat you like you
are a Guantanamo Bay prisoner heading to your final destination. There are times in which one feels as though the security should buy you a drink before they begin their "routine" or "random" search, for they often and rather quickly get to third base without even giving one the courtesy of getting on a first name basis. I demand to be fed a few drinks before being made to feel that cheap damn it! And although we here at T.W.M. have always been a fan of the cheap feel, the "routine/random" searches security put you through these days can leave one feeling like a chubby redhead on prom night.
are a Guantanamo Bay prisoner heading to your final destination. There are times in which one feels as though the security should buy you a drink before they begin their "routine" or "random" search, for they often and rather quickly get to third base without even giving one the courtesy of getting on a first name basis. I demand to be fed a few drinks before being made to feel that cheap damn it! And although we here at T.W.M. have always been a fan of the cheap feel, the "routine/random" searches security put you through these days can leave one feeling like a chubby redhead on prom night.
*** Editors note *** We here at T.W.M would like to clarify that previous statement. We have no problems, whatsoever, with chubby redheads or getting to 3rd base with someone whose first name is a mystery to us. In fact we appreciate the no name policy because it keeps us from having to lie about ours. |
--- The Bus ---
Highways and Byways. A true taste of
Americana. This gem of American roadways lays somewhere between driving you own vehicle and hitchhiking. No other means of transportation allows you to get a feel for this great country the way a Greyhound Liner Bus does. With all the comforts one could ask for, and ... Okay, I'm sorry guys, we can't do this. Taking the bus sucks! There is no possible way to class up this most degrading method of transportation.
We are not trying to be elitist, we'll slum it with the best
of 'em, however, the stinky, shit stained stigma that hovers like flies around the Greyhound bus is more than adequately deserved. For you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy than with the class acts that lurk in the shady corners of your local bus station.
of 'em, however, the stinky, shit stained stigma that hovers like flies around the Greyhound bus is more than adequately deserved. For you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy than with the class acts that lurk in the shady corners of your local bus station.
--- Trains ---
Now for those of you who haven't had the
pleasure of riding on the back of the iron serpent, I ask to have a bit of patience because this might get a tad historical, and at points even romantic.
"All roads lead to Rome" and like all roads lead to Rome, all railroad tracks lead back to the wild west. It all began in 1825 when John Stevens built a test track and ran a locomotive around it in Hoboken, New Jersey. The wildfire dream spread like hopes and prayers in the American chapel of imagination, and by 1869 The Union Pacific and Central Pacific had completed the first Transcontinental railway. Americans, and the world all, came from near and far to witness the wonder of the steam horse and experience the marvel and luxury of its lustrous iron spine. The age of technology had begun, and with it the dreams of all Mutant kind grew ten times fold.
For the true Mutant, there is no classier way to travel. The
freight hoppers, with their mysterious filled bandanas hanging on dried sticks, are an image that most great writers have touched upon, and romanticized, since the iron serpent first began to crawl. Fast travel, food, ample space, and the comfort of a moving watering hole, are just the tip of the iceberg when speaking of the perks associated with this most wondrous and nostalgic mode of transportation
freight hoppers, with their mysterious filled bandanas hanging on dried sticks, are an image that most great writers have touched upon, and romanticized, since the iron serpent first began to crawl. Fast travel, food, ample space, and the comfort of a moving watering hole, are just the tip of the iceberg when speaking of the perks associated with this most wondrous and nostalgic mode of transportation
We could go on and on but we'll keep the info
rather basic for the time being. We will touch upon the more sophisticated knowledge and
tricks of the trade later on.
--- Your Own Damn Vehicle ---
Nothing like the fantasy of Route 66!
Cherry convertible, open top and the feeling
of invincibility that comes from the wind caressing your face at 95 miles per hour. Freedom!
The freedom of putting the pedal to the metal and waving one's former life goodbye on the rear-view mirror. Your face, a portrait of excitement and enlightenment heading towards the new and
great unknown.
To anyone planning such a trek, begin
by doing the basic automotive maintenance
required and move on from there. The rest is up to the Mutant. Just remember that a charming smile can be a steppingstone along the way, but it can also mean "you have a pretty mouth boy," so learn to read the signs and keep in mind the State that you are traveling through. California is NOT like the rest of the U.S, and you don't want to find yourself on the pig end of that scene in Deliverance. Stay alert and you should do well. Hitting the road at a moment's notice is as "Mutant" as it gets
so there's no need to explain or justify this means.
Own it or steal it ... Ride Mutant ride!
by doing the basic automotive maintenance
required and move on from there. The rest is up to the Mutant. Just remember that a charming smile can be a steppingstone along the way, but it can also mean "you have a pretty mouth boy," so learn to read the signs and keep in mind the State that you are traveling through. California is NOT like the rest of the U.S, and you don't want to find yourself on the pig end of that scene in Deliverance. Stay alert and you should do well. Hitting the road at a moment's notice is as "Mutant" as it gets
so there's no need to explain or justify this means.
Own it or steal it ... Ride Mutant ride!
--- By Sea ---
Perhaps the most natural, and adventurous
way to migrate is by means of a water vessel,
and this is by far The Wandering Mutant's
favorite way to travel.
There is an unspoken intimacy between all humans and the sea. As Mutants, maybe more than most, we feel this strange and luring connection. Perhaps it is the promise of treasures that few have ever seen, hidden somewhere in the endless waves of the seemingly empty space, that sings to the Mutant heart like Sirens to all sailors. A mother's call to her younglings that
cannot be ignored.
Though this can sometimes be an expensive means of getting around, the benefits that come with open sea travel and the freedom of the mother waves are such that cannot be put a price on, or compared to any other means of transportation. The time efficiency drawbacks can easily be overlooked by the marvel of the journey, for there is nothing like the peace that is found in the womb of the mother sea. The salty ocean air and warm embrace of true silence, coupled by the gentle waves that rock you
to a hypnotic slumber, make for a voyage that every traveler MUST experience
at least once in their lifetime.
If you can afford it, do not hesitate. Do it!
We will not comment further on this for it will just sound like poetry and this isn't
crappy open mic night.
--- Bicycles & Such ---
I seriously can't believe you
would even think about using this
as a mode of transportation.
REALLY?!?
If this is your bag, load up on your
yellow wrist bands
and weird leggings, and Godspeed.
This is NOT The Wandering Mutant's way!
--- Hitchhiking ---
So things have gotten that bad huh?
The whole world is against you and your latest empire has just crumbled. It will happen.
You're not the first or last Mutant to find himself
on the corner of Polk and Geary, next to some tranny hooker, with nothing more then a pocketful of hopes and a bounty on his head.
Relax! Slowly step forward and take a few deep breaths, put the knee pads away,
and just stick out that thumb my fearful friend!
Doesn't hurt to show some leg either.
Hitchhiking, as we view it, should
be the last resort.
But we adapt and evolve, and cashing
in on the kindness of strangers is always a valid choice. Just remember to be a charming lil' Mutant and couple that with The Holy Trinity of "Gas, Grass, or Ass," cause no one
ever rides for free.
As a cautionary warning, let us advice and make clear that we believe this method to be a Russian Roulette that should be left to the truly experienced Mutants with the gift of the silver tongue. For it is harder to stab a likable and entertaining stranger, than it is some
random quiet asshole.
be the last resort.
But we adapt and evolve, and cashing
in on the kindness of strangers is always a valid choice. Just remember to be a charming lil' Mutant and couple that with The Holy Trinity of "Gas, Grass, or Ass," cause no one
ever rides for free.
As a cautionary warning, let us advice and make clear that we believe this method to be a Russian Roulette that should be left to the truly experienced Mutants with the gift of the silver tongue. For it is harder to stab a likable and entertaining stranger, than it is some
random quiet asshole.
Living "Life A La Card"
(Whoever gets the highest card gets to live)
can be exhilarating and the payoffs can sometimes be substantial, but you are bound to get the low suit sooner or later. Such is the game. If and when that time comes just remember that you will be missed, and will not be forgotten ... at least not until
the milk expires.
When the Cherry Touches the Filter
Time is the enemy of memory, so one must learn to recognize the importance of a task
in order to determine whether the drink is worth the shake. When one lives in a place for a predetermined amount of time it is vital to have a sharp sense of time management in order to avoid wasting precious minutes on projects and endeavors that won't yield anything of substance when at last completed. Life must be lived and experienced to the fullest in order to sustain a healthy mutated state of mind. One must be the river itself,
not merely a sequential leaf being carried adrift upon it.
In the winter of our lives all Mutants will take the crow's salty dive down to
Davy Jones' Locker, and be remembered, or forgotten accordingly by the scallywags
of the ships they crewed. But alas, while alive and still punching in the backwards clock, we must move and breathe the air of the new, and forego the lure of attachments in order to continue our journey. The bullet of attachment will pierce the heart of all Mutants in the end,
it is the curse that comes hand in hand with the gift of mutation. The silent passenger that
will inevitably derail the iron serpent. Knowing how to run, adapt, and change like the
ever-turning seasons, is the only way to escape it ... at least for a while ... and
then you will run no more.
So for now, whichever vessel suits you best to break the shackles of the mundane,
take the fearless leap and run Mutant run! ... And learn to enjoy the run .... for the bullet is behind you.
"The bullet of attachment will pierce the heart of all Mutants one day,
so run Mutant run ... the bullet is behind you"
The wandering Mutant